How astrology helped me love myself
Seven years after Bali, and a thousand different women
Safely landed back in Amsterdam after a wonderful baby moon in Indonesia. Getting used to the daily habits again, and noticing that our baby boy is growing fast and that both my energy and my breath are declining.
I am starting to have more trouble doing everything by myself, so I have to ask for help, and I find that difficult. Growing up I did not receive much support, and when I did ask for help I did not always get it, so I stopped asking for it. Over the years, with baby steps, I learned to ask for help, but as long as I can do it myself, I will. Until now. For my own energy and health, and for the baby.
We are now in the midst of Leo season, and with my Ascendant in Leo there is always a lot to learn for me in this season. Confronted with patterns and themes that keep returning, and self-love and self-acceptance are a big part of it.
In my last Soul Letter I shared a bit about the start of my transformation journey 7 years ago on Bali. And loving myself was probably the biggest aspect of it. I remember a video that I recorded where I was in the deepest part of my journey, saying: “Why can’t I like myself for who I am?” It was deep, raw and painful. From that moment I started to climb up. But I think the journey of self-love and self-acceptance is one that never ends.
In that month on Bali, 7 years ago, I learned that I had given myself so many restrictions, and that I was not kind or compassionate to myself, and mostly not to my body. I was living from my head, and not bringing any attention to my body and my emotions. Out of safety, out of pain. And it all cracked open, and very slowly I welcomed my body and my feelings through practices of yoga, dance, women’s circles, breathwork, shamanism and astrology.
When looking back, two things stood out for my journey. Feeling safe in my body, and feeling safe being here on Earth. I always felt misplaced, like I did not belong here. And the feeling of belonging, the foundation, was what was needed. Shamanism helped a lot with that. Deeply connecting to Mother Earth, living with her rhythm and cycles, and slowly living with my own menstrual cycle and embracing my body.
The moment I felt the deepest trust in my body was not so long ago. After 2.5 years of trying to conceive, without any positive test, the hospital told me the next step would be IUI, and it was everything I never wanted. Because I believed in a natural pregnancy. I had seen it in my visions and I just knew it was possible. But I also really wanted to become a mom.
After two months of doubting, preparing, clearing my schedule and more doubt, my days began to grow darker. Until the moment I decided that I did not want this. When the decision was made, I felt the deepest trust in and love for my body I had ever felt. Two months later I was pregnant, and I have been loving and trusting my body every single day since. I am not saying that trust is what made it happen. I do not know that. I only know what it did to the way I live in my body, and what is true for me.
The second thing that helped me on my journey of loving and accepting myself was astrology. You might wonder, how can the stars help you love yourself? Well, for me it was the deeper understanding of myself that I needed the most. When I know who I am, why I do the things I do, my values, my purpose and my mission in life, I feel an acceptance.
Astrology also showed me my teachings and trainings in life, where I can grow or stay stuck. And knowing that, I can look at myself with more compassion. Not in a way of: I did it wrong again. But: I know this is my training, and I am not where I want to be, but I am getting closer, and I have my whole life to learn this.
We can be so hard on ourselves, but we mostly do the things we do because we did not know better, because we are learning, and because it once served a purpose. So forgive yourself for those moments you did not know better. That is what I am trying to do.
And I want to share this song with you, that helped me with that. 🤎
The title says most of it. I have been a thousand different women. And every one of them was doing her best with what she knew at the time.
If this resonated, there are two doors open.
I write a Soul Letter now and then, slow and personal, like this one. You can leave your name and I will send you a gentle cacao and journaling ritual to begin with.
And in September I am opening an Astrology Coaching Circle. Five Thursday evenings with a small group of women, your own chart in your hands, and the slow work of turning what you find there into something you actually live.
