A letter on home, roots, family & motherhood
Greetings from Indonesia, where I am currently on a baby moon. The land where I landed 7 years ago, and where I felt home from the first moment. Something I forget about often, but when I land here again, I remember my journey and the start of the biggest change of my life. And now I am here, 24 weeks pregnant and in the second biggest transition of my life. A journey from loneliness, unsafety and trauma, into a life of abundance, happiness and safety. I don't know if it's the hormones, but I am crying my eyes out when writing this down. Tears of gratitude and of being proud of myself. By facing my fears and wounds during my Saturn return, I stepped onto a journey of healing, growth and self-realization.
When I left for traveling 7 years ago, I was looking for my purpose. I felt a deep longing for more meaning in my life. Although I couldn't name it, I have videos of myself speaking of looking for my purpose. I was at a crossroads after a life in Spain and in coffee, but it wasn't fulfilling me anymore. After a month in Thailand and a few days in Kuala Lumpur, I went to Bali. I wanted to create an online business for myself from my coffee blog & YouTube channel and because there were so many digital nomads on Bali, it seemed like a plan. Little did I know that I would never become a digital nomad, but I was here to dive into the deepest shadows. 30 years of denying my feelings.
When I arrived I felt like I had to be here, like I was being carried and could finally land. Like I was home. Maybe it was because I was born on an island, maybe it was something deeper. I remember how friendly and helpful everybody was. How it felt so calm and that I had nowhere to be, nothing to pretend, just be. And after a few weeks on the island, landing, resting and meeting the right people, I was guided to deep inner work classes. I felt safe and rested enough to let my shields down, and to look inward. Something I never experienced before, always on the lookout for danger, hurt, adapting myself. By that time I couldn't bring all of this in words, but now looking back I can say that I never felt safe enough. Not in my environment, not in my own body. A journey to return to my body that is still going on, but now my body is the home of my baby boy and I try as much as I can to create a safe, soft and grounding home for him.
Being here in Indonesia feels like coming full circle. Not only my own journey of home and safety, but also for my child, who has Indonesian roots. We have visited his grandfather, Koen's dad, in Yogyakarta. And now we are on Bali, giving myself time and space to transition into motherhood. Remembering what is important for me, how I'd like to raise my child and what mother I'd like to be. A special time, just like 7 years ago. I couldn't think of a better place to be, now with Koen and our baby.
Returning back to the feeling of being home in Indonesia, after I left here my plan was to live half here on Bali and half somewhere else. Then I met Koen and he became my home, my family, my safe space. Sometimes I wonder if my soul felt at home in Bali because I was meant to be with him, carrying our baby boy with Indonesian roots. And after working much with the soul, I know this is true.
A gift for you
This new moon, the one on the 14th, holds all of this. It rises in Cancer, the sign of home, of roots, of family, and of the mother. So it felt like the moment to make you something.
A little guide to sit with under the new moon. A cacao ritual and a few journaling prompts, with my favourite cacao recipe inside. A small way to come home to yourself, wherever you are.
My own seed for this new moon is a quiet one. To give myself time and rest, to connect with the little one growing in my belly, and to soften into becoming a mother.
